The Light at the End of the Tunnel : My Thesis

Preface

    This post is one of the most important posts I've written about pornography and its effects on society. I would like to give a bit of background information before you read it; because, it is important that you understand the premise of this paper I've written so you can consider what I say with an open mind. If you have read my other posts about pornography you know that I am by no means for it or its publication. In fact, I am adamantly opposed to it: not only in a religious sense but from a moral and societal sense as well.  This being the case, I do feel like the way we view those who have a problem with viewing pornography is flawed: especially in the culture of the LDS church. For years the Brethren have counseled us of the harms of pornography; this is no the problem. We, as the members and those who form the culture of the church, are the ones who have built up the current, hostile perception for those who have a problem with pornography. This paper I wrote for a class discusses this issue, and it proposes how we can best resolve this problem. It is directed at the young single adult women of the church, but is applicable to all members of our faith. Often times the women of the church suffer as much or even more so because of the problem than the men who have the problem themselves. So without any further explanation, here is the paper for your consideration; and please, read it and give it consideration because it is a very important issue for all of us as members of the LDS faith (and those in society not of our faith). I would love to hear your thoughts, feelings and concerns on this matter as well.

To the Young Women of the Church: Picking Away at the Perception of Pornography

            What do you know about pornography? I mean, what do you really understand about it? What would you do if your boyfriend or the guy you liked came to you and told you he had a problem with viewing pornography? What would you say or do in a situation similar to that just described? The issue of pornography has a lot of baggage attached to it: especially in Mormon culture. It affects not only the men of the church but the women, young and old, as well. Women, all your lives you have heard about the lives destroyed by it and what it has done to families. Maybe you have had a family member or a close friend who has been adversely affected by pornography and you are now hesitant to think about pornography and its implications. The bottom line: it’s a touchy subject and a lot of people feel uncomfortable talking about it. Due to the lack of comfort and the raw emotions associated with pornography use, a toxic perception has been built around pornography. This, coupled with the beliefs we have in our church, has also contributed to the toxic environment associated with pornography. Too often, this unfriendly environment prohibits the ability of those who are involved with pornography to receive the support they need to overcome it.

            This is not only a Mormon issue, many scientists and doctors are showing interest in the effects of pornography on society. Dr. Donald L. Hilton Jr., a neuroscientist, talks about the prevalence of pornography in our society. The reality is that “87% of college age men view pornography, 50% weekly and 20[%] daily or every other day, with 31% of women viewing as well” (Hilton 4) so there is a good chance that your significant other, at one time or another, has had a problem with viewing pornography. Whether it was serious or not depends on the person, but there are very few (if any) who have not been affected negatively by pornography. The leaders of the LDS church have stated: “[Pornography] is like a raging storm, destroying individuals and families, utterly ruining what was once wholesome and beautiful” (Hinckley) and a “carrier of a deadly disease” (Monson).

According to today’s society pornography is looked at as a normal thing. Author Pamela Paul quoted in her book, Pornified: How Pornography Is Transforming Our Lives, Our Relationships, and Our Families typical perceptions on pornography, “‘Porn is harmless; it’s just looking at pictures. What’s wrong with fantasy?’[;] ‘If we women want to be naked and be proud of our bodies, what’s the problem? We’re in control, and it’s our choice.’[;] ‘All men look at porn. It’s human nature—men are biologically programmed to be visually stimulated.’[;] ‘If you believe in civil liberties and freedom of the press, you’ve got to be in favor of porn’” (9). These are just a few of many differing opinions the general public has of pornography.

            Many in society have gone as far as calling pornography liberating and emancipating for women. This is illustrated by this statement issued by a Duke freshman who began a career as an adult film actress to pay for tuition, “[T]o be in porn and to be able to be naked and to be able to be free and have that sexual autonomy, it is so incredibly freeing” (Morgan). Many feel that pornography is a freedom of expression, that we as a society are “repressed, every single day. We’re told that sex is bad. We’re told not to have sex. We’re told not to show our bodies…” (Morgan). Society tells us we need to be sexy and attractive; we hear it’s normal to engage in leisurely sexual activities.

            This hyper-sexual culture in which we live—which tells women their only intrinsic value is found in the way they look and as sexual objects used by men to satisfy a “biologically programmed” (Paul 9) need—has created all of these false notions of pornography.  Paul commented on these different opinions, writing the following, “The fact is, none of the current assumptions reflect how pornography really affects people and their relationships—and to continue to abide by them would mean ignoring an issue that is transforming most Americans’ lives” (10). Our relationships and lives are all being shaped and negatively affected by the current socially acceptable paradigm in our country.

            These very different views of pornography portray the change we are going through as a society and a nation. Author Pamela Paul also commented on the change in our society in her book saying, “The pornification of American Culture is not only reshaping entertainment, advertising, fashion, and popular culture, but it is fundamentally changing the lives of more Americans, in more ways, than ever before. We are living in a pornified culture and we have no idea what this means for ourselves, our relationships, and our society” (Paul 11). The media has become overtly sexual in the past years, between 1998 and 2005 the amount of sex scenes in US television doubled (Witherspoon 14). Along with television, “mainstream video games frequently feature pornographic themes” (14), “respectable magazines, and popular songs regularly include provocative images, situations, and lyrics that a generation ago would have labeled ‘soft porn’” (21). In the year 2004 pornography was an estimated 57 billion [dollars] industry worldwide (Hinckley); in a short two years “world pornography revenue was 97 billion dollars, more than Microsoft, Google, Amazon, eBay, Yahoo, Apple, and Netflix combined” (Hilton 3). Pornography’s reach is almost limitless: invading homes, ridding children of their innocence and derailing a healthy development in adolescents.

            Obviously society’s perception pornography is contrary to what we believe as members of the LDS church. We know and believe men are capable of controlling their “natural man”, as stated in the Book of Mormon, and they are rightfully expected to control it. We have been taught “[t]here is a link between pornography and the low, sexual drives and perversions” (Kimball), “[p]ornography is a deeply poisonous, deceptive snake that lies coiled up in magazines, the Internet, and the television[;] pornography destroys self-esteem and weakens self-discipline” (Sorensen), and “pornography impairs one’s ability to enjoy a normal emotional, romantic, and spiritual relationship with a person of the opposite sex” (Oaks) since the 1970s. These teachings coincide with the research that has been done recently (see works cited); so it should not come as a shock for any member of the church.

            Many stories have been related where suffering spouses try with “great difficulty in getting priesthood leaders to take this problem seriously” (Oaks). One sister related, “‘I got all kinds of responses—like I was overreacting or it was my fault’” (Oaks). President Hinckley related the following part of a letter he received from a recently widowed woman whose husband died after 35 years of marriage. She said:

[H]e came to me on that same evening to tell me he had been addicted to pornography. He needed me to forgive him [before he died.] (sic) He further said that he had grown tired of living a double life…. I was stunned, hurt, felt betrayed and violated. I could not promise him forgiveness at that moment but pleaded for time. … I was able to review my married life [and how] (sic) pornography had … put a strangle hold on our marriage from early on. … For many years in our marriage… he was most cruel in many of his demands. I was never good enough for him. … I felt incredibly beaten down at that time to a point of deep depression. … I know now that I was being compared to the latest ‘porn queen.’ … After his ‘deathbed confession’ and [after taking time] (sic) to search through my life, I [said] (sic) to him, ‘Don’t you know what you have done?’ … All I ever wanted was to feel cherished and treated with the smallest of pleasantries… instead of being treated like some kind of chattel. … I am now left to grieve not only for his being gone but also for a relationship that could have been [beautiful, but was not] (sic) (1).

Another story from a thirty-eight year old woman from Chicago about her husband’s porn addiction:

‘He would come home from work, slide food around his plate during dinner, play for maybe half an hour with the kids, and then go into his home office, shut the door, and surf Internet porn for hours. I knew—and he knew that I knew. I put a filter on his browser that would e-mail me every time a pornographic image was captured…. I continually confronted him on this. There were times I would be so angry I would cry and cry and tell him how much it hurt…. It got to the point where he stopped even making excuses. It was more or less ‘I know you know and I don’t really care. What are you going to do about it?’ (Paul 3).’

The reality is many women—especially young adult women—in the church hear stories like these and read the words the brethren have given us and fear: they fear for their spouse, their children, and the society in which they live.

            These concerns are legitimate concerns that every woman should have when planning to rear a family. Unfortunately, at times these concerns turn into a crippling fear which causes paralysis where action is needed. Some of these concerns are aptly described by the Witherspoon foundation in their book: The Social Costs of Pornography: A Statement of Findings and Recommendations stating:

The foregoing research corroborates the fears and experience of caretakers of children everywhere: pornography has infected modern childhood. Some parents worry about what their sons are doing while they use the internet for schoolwork. Others wonder what the male peers of their daughters are viewing online. Some adults directly witness the infiltration of pornography into the lives of the children for whom they care, catching them acting out pornographic films or viewing pornography at local libraries (29).

These are legitimate concerns that all parents should have whether they are members of our faith or not; it is understandable that these worries create an overarching negative perspective towards pornography and its users. This fear has become a cultural stereotype and stigma which we have directly associated with pornography.

            Fear has also lead to making open discussion of pornography uncomfortable and difficult for many to address. Pornography makes many uneasy, and it has become a taboo topic among church members outside of, or even in Sunday school and Priesthood/Relief Society meetings. This is a problem. Remember: 87% of college age men view pornography; just because we are LDS doesn’t mean we are an exception to the rule. Although we have a higher moral standard, we are still men and women who struggle with temptations. It is dangerous to believe we are exempt from these struggles because it leads to a false sense of security. A false sense of security adds to the current negative perception of pornography and inhibits those affected by it to receive the help they need to overcome the habit. We need to be able to act in a loving, Christian-like manner when those who we love come searching for help. To do this, we need to have an open dialogue without the discomfort and embarrassment.

            In the church we have heard prophets and apostles tell us for years pornography is harmful and a hindrance to spiritual growth. Since the 1970s we have heard: “Evidence is conclusive that mind-polluting pornography is just as addicting and just as devastating as Satan’s other tools of destruction and degradation” (Simpson), “a diet of… pornography dulls the senses, and future exposures need to be rougher and more extreme” (Ashton), “…pornography is doing his deadly task—undercutting our will, destroying our immunity and stifling that upward reach within each of us” (Monson). Spencer W. Kimball stated in the October general conference of 1974: “It is ridiculous to imply that pornography has no effect. There is a definite relationship to crime. Murder, robbery, rape, prostitution, and commercialized vice are fed on this immorality. Sex statistics seem to reflect a relationship between crime and pornography. It is utterly without redeeming social value” (Kimball). In his 1973 talk No Greater Honor: The Woman’s Role, Elder N. Eldon Tanner said:

“[P]ornography abounds and… women are being debased and disgracefully used as sex symbols—sex-ploited, as some call it. We hear so much about emancipation, independence, sexual liberation, birth control, abortion, and other insidious propaganda… all of which is Satan’s way of destroying woman, the home, and the family—the basic unit of society. President Dallin H. Oaks recently said to the student body at Brigham Young University: ‘…Pornographic or erotic stories and pictures are worse than filthy or polluted food. The body has defenses to rid itself of unwholesome food, but the brain won’t vomit back filth’” (Tanner). 

Each and every one of these great prophetic statements has been validated today through different studies and scientific findings.

            Not only have the prophets shown concern about this topic, but the federal government has as well. In a 2004 congressional hearing brought about by the Senate Committee on Commerce, Science and Transportation, many reputable doctors and individuals reported on the adverse effects that pornography has on individuals as well as society. Dr. Jeffrey Satinover, M.S., M.D. said:

“[M]odern science allows us to understand that the underlying nature of an addiction to pornography is chemically nearly identical to a heroin addiction: Only the delivery system is different, and the sequence of steps. That is why heroin addicts in particular give up sex and routinely compare their ‘rushes’ to ‘orgasms’. It is as though we have devised a form of heroin 100 times more powerful than before, usable in the privacy of one’s home and injected directly to the brain through the eyes” (Satinover).

In the same hearing—different expert, Mary Anne Layden, Ph. D.—it was stated:

“Pornography, by its very nature, is an equal opportunity toxin. It damages the viewer, the performer, and the spouses and children of the viewers and performers. There are no studies and no data that indicate a benefit from pornography use. If there were a benefit, then pornography users, pornography performers, their spouses and their children would show the most benefit. Just the opposite is true. If pornography made us healthy, we would be healthy by now” (Layden).

These two statements given to congress shouldn’t be surprising to members of the LDS faith—after all we have been hearing this since the 1970s. Yet the reality is that we know pornography can lead to physical addictions and it may be worse than we originally thought. That being the case, we should want to help those who are either casual users of pornography or those who are deeply entrenched in an addiction to pornography to escape. The problem is we don’t look at it this way; the current perception of pornography is still based on social stigmas and paradigms when it should be based on truth: prophetic and scientific. The Witherspoon Institution did a comprehensive study on the issue of pornography employing professionals from many different areas of medical, psychological, and social practices, they reported, “[O]ne clinician has testified, ‘Those who claim pornography is harmless entertainment, benign sexual expression, or a marital aid, have clearly never sat in at therapist’s office with individuals, couples, or families who are reeling from the devastating effects of this material’” (9).

            This is the truth about pornography: it is a harmful, toxic media which negatively impacts those who are involved with it. A group of neurologists did a study focused on the reality of pornography addiction and its effects on society; their observations:

“There is a tendency to trivialize the possible social and biologic effects of pornography. The sex industry has successfully characterized any objection to pornography as being from the religious/moral perspective… If pornography addiction is viewed objectively, evidence indicates that it does cause harm in humans… The difficulty in objective peer-reviewed discussion of this topic is again illustrated by the attempted suppression of this data on social grounds. Just as we consider food addiction as having a biological basis, with no moral overlay or value-laden terminology, it is time we looked at pornography and other forms of sexual addiction with the same objective eye” (Hilton 3-4).

If we are to change the stigmas attached to pornography we need to look at it in a more logical light. Put aside the fear and just look at the facts. Until we do this as a society and a church we will not have the success we desire in combating pornography in the lives of our loved ones. “There is no fear in love; but perfect love casteth out fear: because fear hath torment. He that feareth is not made perfect in love” (1 John 4:18).

            It is time that we no longer fear this issue of pornography, because it isn’t going anywhere, and we must learn how to create a safe environment away from the fear and the excess of doom and gloom. We believe that man may be made perfect through Christ. Men know that pornography is bad: how can they not? The overwhelmingly large amount of talks given by general authorities of the church and now the scientific evidence shows us this. We don’t need any more sources telling men how disgusting pornography is because, as members, we have been taught this—men of all ages already know. Prophets do their jobs well.

            So here’s the point: because of the power young single adult women have to change the current negative perception of pornography which prevents recovery, they should look to be more understanding and supportive of young men who struggle with pornography to help promote healing. You are not obligated to help someone overcome pornography. In fact, you should beware taking any responsibility because, ultimately, it is their battle. But on the same note, the effect that a young woman can have in the lives of her peers, especially young men, is great. What most pornography viewers of the church don’t believe is they are loved even with their problems. What isn’t communicated from the general public of the church, especially the women of the church, is that we accept them even though they have struggles with viewing pornography. If a young woman reacts adversely to a confession from her boyfriend or fiancé about his struggles, and this boy has told her first and no one else, then that young man is less likely to fix his problems and more likely to fall even further into his struggle with pornography.

            Is it unfair to make this request of women? Many of you—if not most of you—would say yes. I have spoken with many young women about this issue; both relating my point of view and the discussions have been enlightening. I understand your concerns; I really do. I agree with them, but I still believe a paradigm shift is necessary for the good of all those involved. Here’s the paradigm that I am proposing:

1.      The first key is the attitude of the pornography viewer. The first indicator of a truly repentant and humble individual is if they confess their wrong doings to those who may be hurt most by their problem. If they don’t confess and you discover the problem on your own, by all means, you have the right to put as much distance between you and them as fast as possible: but remember we seek to treat others as we would like to be treated, so handle the situation with love.

2.      Assuming your boyfriend/significant other has confessed to you, take time to think about it. Sister Linda S. Reeves said in April 2014 General Conference, while talking about reacting to those who confide in us about problems with pornography consumption, “We would be wise to not react with shock, anger, or rejection which may cause them to be silent again.”  Don’t answer immediately. You will be feeling hurt, betrayed, and a host of other emotions which will lead you to possibly say or do something which will cause harm to the other person. I know, this is a serious case of turning the other cheek, but it is important for you to try and do this to help create an environment of healing for the individual. Take your time to fully internalize the situation and control your emotions. Being calm when having this sensitive is important for both individuals.

3.      Ask him questions, such as: how long have you had this problem?; how often do you look at it?; who else knows about this problem?; what are your plans to overcome this trial? Remember: a positive attitude goes a long way when dealing with habitual or addictive problems, always seek to be positive, loving and encouraging.

4.      Encourage him and support him until he receives the support he needs. Remember the balance between love and responsibility: you are not responsible for the repentance of others, but you can be vital in rendering love and support to help him heal. This may take a day or it could take weeks, but when considering the eternal perspective it is truly short and could prove pivotal in the salvation of the pornography viewer—it will be hard but you will benefit from this experience as much as the other person. Encourage him to talk to parents, leaders in the church (especially the bishop) and if the problem is serious enough a professional therapist as soon as possible.

After they have received the help they need and have encouraged and supported their seeking help, you are free to evaluate and decide (assuming you choose to follow this paradigm—you obviously are free to choose to react however you wish in these situations) whether or not you wish to continue the relationship with the person or not. If you decide to break-off a romantic relationship with him, that’s fine; just explain to him you need to get on with your personal development in the gospel but you will be there as a support if he needs you. If you decide to continue your relationship with him, both should seek counseling and therapy to evaluate how to overcome the issue. Both women who are dating men and women who are married to men who look at pornography should consider these steps.

            The future will not be any easier for us as members of the Church to avoid pornography. It is everywhere; by reading this paper, you may agree with me. The new paradigm I’ve suggested is not perfect; but, it will be better for us as members than the current one we have. It fosters uplifting qualities such as hope, love, forgiveness and faith as opposed to fear, disdain and pain. Which, is exactly what we need in our lives.

I really would like to hear people's thoughts, feelings, and ideas on this subject; it's important to remember when discussing difficult issues like these to be kind and considerate of other's views.

With love,

Will Glade

The one walking beside you.

Works Cited

Ashton, Marvin J. “Rated A” 147^th Semiannual General Conference. Mormon Tabernacle, Salt Lake City, UT. October 1977. Speaker.

Bible, King James. The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. Salt Lake City: The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. Print.

Hilton Jr., Donald L.; Watts, Clark. “Pornography Addiction: a neuroscience perspective.” Surgical Neurology International 2.19 2011: n. pag. Web. 5 March 2014.

Hinckley, Gordon B. “A Tragic Evil among Us.” 174^th Annual General Conference. LDS Conference Center, Salt Lake City, UT. April 2004. Speaker.

Kimball, Spencer W. “God Will Not Be Mocked.” 144^th Semiannual General Conference. Mormon Tabernacle, Salt Lake City, UT. October 1974. Speaker.

Layden, Ph. D., Mary Anne. “Testimony for U.S. Senate Committee on Commerce, Science, and Transportation.” Hearing on the Brain Science Behind Pornography Addiction and the Effects of Addiction on Families and Communities. Washington, D.C. 18 November 2004. Testimony.

Monson, Thomas S. “Pornography—the Deadly Carrier” 140^th Semiannual General Conference. Mormon Tabernacle, Salt Lake City, UT. October 1979. Speaker.

Morgan, Piers. Interview with “Belle Knoxs”. CNN: Piers Morgan Live. 6 March 2014. Web.

Oaks, Dallin H. “Pornography” 175^th Annual General Conference. LDS Conference Center, Salt Lake City, UT. April 2005. Speaker.

Reese, Linda S. The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. LDS Conference Center, Salt Lake City, UT. 5 April 2014. Broadcast.

Santinover, M.S., M.D., Jeffery. Testimonial Letter. Senate Committee on Commerce, Science, and Transportation: Subcommittee on Science, Technology, and Space: Hearing on the Brain Science Behind Pornography Addiction and the Effects of Addiction on Families and Communities 17 November 2004. Web.

Sorensen, David E. “You Can’t Pet a Rattlesnake.” 171^st Annual General Conference. LDS Conference Center, Salt Lake City, UT. April 2001. Speaker.

Simpson, Robert L. “Pollution of the Mind.” 142^nd Semiannual General Conference. Mormon Tabernacle, Salt Lake City, UT. October 1972. Speaker.

Tanner, N. Eldon. “No Greater Honor: The Woman’s Role.” 143^rd Semiannual General Conference. Mormon Tabernacle, Salt Lake City, UT. October 1973. Speaker.

The Witherspoon Institute. The Social Costs of Pornography: A Statement of Findings and           Recommendations. Princeton: The Witherspoon Institute, Inc, 2010. Print.