What do you know about pornography?
I mean, what do you really understand about it? What would you do if your
boyfriend or the guy you liked came to you and told you he had a problem with
viewing pornography? What would you say or do in a situation similar to that
just described? The issue of pornography has a lot of baggage attached to it:
especially in Mormon culture. It affects not only the men of the church but the
women, young and old, as well. Women, all your lives you have heard about the
lives destroyed by it and what it has done to families. Maybe you have had a
family member or a close friend who has been adversely affected by pornography
and you are now hesitant to think about pornography and its implications. The
bottom line: it’s a touchy subject and a lot of people feel uncomfortable
talking about it. Due to the lack of comfort and the raw emotions associated with
pornography use, a toxic perception has been built around pornography. This,
coupled with the beliefs we have in our church, has also contributed to the
toxic environment associated with pornography. Too often, this unfriendly environment
prohibits the ability of those who are involved with pornography to receive the
support they need to overcome it.
This is not only a Mormon issue,
many scientists and doctors are showing interest in the effects of pornography
on society. Dr. Donald L. Hilton Jr., a neuroscientist, talks about the
prevalence of pornography in our society. The reality is that “87% of college
age men view pornography, 50% weekly and 20[%] daily or every other day, with
31% of women viewing as well” (Hilton 4) so there is a good chance that your
significant other, at one time or another, has had a problem with viewing
pornography. Whether it was serious or not depends on the person, but there are
very few (if any) who have not been affected negatively by pornography. The
leaders of the LDS church have stated: “[Pornography] is like a raging storm,
destroying individuals and families, utterly ruining what was once wholesome
and beautiful” (Hinckley) and a “carrier of a deadly disease” (Monson).
According to today’s society pornography
is looked at as a normal thing. Author Pamela Paul quoted in her book, Pornified: How Pornography Is Transforming
Our Lives, Our Relationships, and Our Families typical perceptions on
pornography, “‘Porn is harmless; it’s just looking at pictures. What’s wrong
with fantasy?’[;] ‘If we women want to be naked and be proud of our bodies,
what’s the problem? We’re in control, and it’s our choice.’[;] ‘All men look at
porn. It’s human nature—men are biologically programmed to be visually
stimulated.’[;] ‘If you believe in civil liberties and freedom of the press,
you’ve got to be in favor of porn’” (9). These are just a few of many differing
opinions the general public has of pornography.
Many
in society have gone as far as calling pornography liberating and emancipating
for women. This is illustrated by this statement issued by a Duke freshman who
began a career as an adult film actress to pay for tuition, “[T]o be in porn
and to be able to be naked and to be able to be free and have that sexual
autonomy, it is so incredibly freeing” (Morgan). Many feel that pornography is
a freedom of expression, that we as a society are “repressed, every single day.
We’re told that sex is bad. We’re told not to have sex. We’re told not to show
our bodies…” (Morgan). Society tells us we need to be sexy and attractive; we
hear it’s normal to engage in leisurely sexual activities.
This hyper-sexual culture in which
we live—which tells women their only intrinsic value is found in the way they
look and as sexual objects used by men to satisfy a “biologically programmed”
(Paul 9) need—has created all of these false notions of pornography. Paul commented on these different opinions,
writing the following, “The fact is, none of the current assumptions reflect
how pornography really affects people and their relationships—and to continue
to abide by them would mean ignoring an issue that is transforming most
Americans’ lives” (10). Our relationships and lives are all being shaped and
negatively affected by the current socially acceptable paradigm in our country.
These very different views of
pornography portray the change we are going through as a society and a nation.
Author Pamela Paul also commented on the change in our society in her book
saying, “The pornification of American Culture is not only reshaping
entertainment, advertising, fashion, and popular culture, but it is
fundamentally changing the lives of more Americans, in more ways, than ever
before. We are living in a pornified culture and we have no idea what this
means for ourselves, our relationships, and our society” (Paul 11). The media
has become overtly sexual in the past years, between 1998 and 2005 the amount
of sex scenes in US television doubled (Witherspoon 14). Along with television,
“mainstream video games frequently feature pornographic themes” (14),
“respectable magazines, and popular songs regularly include provocative images,
situations, and lyrics that a generation ago would have labeled ‘soft porn’”
(21). In the year 2004 pornography was an estimated 57 billion [dollars]
industry worldwide (Hinckley); in a short two years “world pornography revenue
was 97 billion dollars, more than Microsoft, Google, Amazon, eBay, Yahoo,
Apple, and Netflix combined” (Hilton 3). Pornography’s reach is almost
limitless: invading homes, ridding children of their innocence and derailing a
healthy development in adolescents.
Obviously society’s perception
pornography is contrary to what we believe as members of the LDS church. We
know and believe men are capable of controlling their “natural man”, as stated
in the Book of Mormon, and they are rightfully expected to control it. We have
been taught “[t]here is a link between pornography and the low, sexual drives
and perversions” (Kimball), “[p]ornography is a deeply poisonous, deceptive
snake that lies coiled up in magazines, the Internet, and the television[;]
pornography destroys self-esteem and weakens self-discipline” (Sorensen), and
“pornography impairs one’s ability to enjoy a normal emotional, romantic, and
spiritual relationship with a person of the opposite sex” (Oaks) since the
1970s. These teachings coincide with the research that has been done recently
(see works cited); so it should not come as a shock for any member of the
church.
Many stories have been related where
suffering spouses try with “great difficulty in getting priesthood leaders to
take this problem seriously” (Oaks). One sister related, “‘I got all kinds of
responses—like I was overreacting or it was my fault’” (Oaks). President
Hinckley related the following part of a letter he received from a recently
widowed woman whose husband died after 35 years of marriage. She said:
[H]e
came to me on that same evening to tell me he had been addicted to pornography.
He needed me to forgive him [before he died.] (sic) He further said that he had
grown tired of living a double life…. I was stunned, hurt, felt betrayed and
violated. I could not promise him forgiveness at that moment but pleaded for
time. … I was able to review my married life [and how] (sic) pornography had …
put a strangle hold on our marriage from early on. … For many years in our
marriage… he was most cruel in many of his demands. I was never good enough for
him. … I felt incredibly beaten down at that time to a point of deep
depression. … I know now that I was being compared to the latest ‘porn queen.’
… After his ‘deathbed confession’ and [after taking time] (sic) to search
through my life, I [said] (sic) to him, ‘Don’t you know what you have done?’ …
All I ever wanted was to feel cherished and treated with the smallest of
pleasantries… instead of being treated like some kind of chattel. … I am now
left to grieve not only for his being gone but also for a relationship that
could have been [beautiful, but was not] (sic) (1).
Another
story from a thirty-eight year old woman from Chicago about her husband’s porn
addiction:
‘He
would come home from work, slide food around his plate during dinner, play for
maybe half an hour with the kids, and then go into his home office, shut the
door, and surf Internet porn for hours. I knew—and he knew that I knew. I put a
filter on his browser that would e-mail me every time a pornographic image was
captured…. I continually confronted him on this. There were times I would be so
angry I would cry and cry and tell him how much it hurt…. It got to the point
where he stopped even making excuses. It was more or less ‘I know you know and
I don’t really care. What are you going to do about it?’ (Paul 3).’
The
reality is many women—especially young adult women—in the church hear stories
like these and read the words the brethren have given us and fear: they fear
for their spouse, their children, and the society in which they live.
These concerns are legitimate
concerns that every woman should have when planning to rear a family.
Unfortunately, at times these concerns turn into a crippling fear which causes
paralysis where action is needed. Some of these concerns are aptly described by
the Witherspoon foundation in their book: The Social Costs of Pornography: A
Statement of Findings and Recommendations stating:
The
foregoing research corroborates the fears and experience of caretakers of
children everywhere: pornography has infected modern childhood. Some parents
worry about what their sons are doing while they use the internet for
schoolwork. Others wonder what the male peers of their daughters are viewing
online. Some adults directly witness the infiltration of pornography into the
lives of the children for whom they care, catching them acting out pornographic
films or viewing pornography at local libraries (29).
These
are legitimate concerns that all parents should have whether they are members
of our faith or not; it is understandable that these worries create an
overarching negative perspective towards pornography and its users. This fear
has become a cultural stereotype and stigma which we have directly associated
with pornography.
Fear has also lead to making open
discussion of pornography uncomfortable and difficult for many to address.
Pornography makes many uneasy, and it has become a taboo topic among church
members outside of, or even in Sunday school and Priesthood/Relief Society
meetings. This is a problem. Remember: 87% of college age men view pornography;
just because we are LDS doesn’t mean we are an exception to the rule. Although
we have a higher moral standard, we are still men and women who struggle with
temptations. It is dangerous to believe we are exempt from these struggles
because it leads to a false sense of security. A false sense of security adds
to the current negative perception of pornography and inhibits those affected
by it to receive the help they need to overcome the habit. We need to be able
to act in a loving, Christian-like manner when those who we love come searching
for help. To do this, we need to have an open dialogue without the discomfort
and embarrassment.
In the church we have heard prophets
and apostles tell us for years pornography is harmful and a hindrance to
spiritual growth. Since the 1970s we have heard: “Evidence is conclusive that
mind-polluting pornography is just as addicting and just as devastating as
Satan’s other tools of destruction and degradation” (Simpson), “a diet of…
pornography dulls the senses, and future exposures need to be rougher and more extreme”
(Ashton), “…pornography is doing his deadly task—undercutting our will,
destroying our immunity and stifling that upward reach within each of us”
(Monson). Spencer W. Kimball stated in the October general conference of 1974:
“It is ridiculous to imply that pornography has no effect. There is a definite
relationship to crime. Murder, robbery, rape, prostitution, and commercialized
vice are fed on this immorality. Sex statistics seem to reflect a relationship
between crime and pornography. It is utterly without redeeming social value”
(Kimball). In his 1973 talk No Greater Honor: The Woman’s Role, Elder N.
Eldon Tanner said:
“[P]ornography
abounds and… women are being debased and disgracefully used as sex
symbols—sex-ploited, as some call it. We hear so much about emancipation,
independence, sexual liberation, birth control, abortion, and other insidious
propaganda… all of which is Satan’s way of destroying woman, the home, and
the family—the basic unit of society. President Dallin H. Oaks recently said
to the student body at Brigham Young University: ‘…Pornographic or erotic
stories and pictures are worse than filthy or polluted food. The body has
defenses to rid itself of unwholesome food, but the brain won’t vomit back
filth’” (Tanner).
Each
and every one of these great prophetic statements has been validated today
through different studies and scientific findings.
Not only have the prophets shown
concern about this topic, but the federal government has as well. In a 2004
congressional hearing brought about by the Senate Committee on Commerce,
Science and Transportation, many reputable doctors and individuals reported on
the adverse effects that pornography has on individuals as well as society. Dr.
Jeffrey Satinover, M.S., M.D. said:
“[M]odern
science allows us to understand that the underlying nature of an addiction to
pornography is chemically nearly identical to a heroin addiction: Only the
delivery system is different, and the sequence of steps. That is why heroin
addicts in particular give up sex and routinely compare their ‘rushes’ to
‘orgasms’. It is as though we have devised a form of heroin 100 times more
powerful than before, usable in the privacy of one’s home and injected directly
to the brain through the eyes” (Satinover).
In
the same hearing—different expert, Mary Anne Layden, Ph. D.—it was stated:
“Pornography,
by its very nature, is an equal opportunity toxin. It damages the viewer, the
performer, and the spouses and children of the viewers and performers. There
are no studies and no data that indicate a benefit from pornography use. If
there were a benefit, then pornography users, pornography performers, their
spouses and their children would show the most benefit. Just the opposite is
true. If pornography made us healthy, we would be healthy by now” (Layden).
These
two statements given to congress shouldn’t be surprising to members of the LDS
faith—after all we have been hearing this since the 1970s. Yet the reality is
that we know pornography can lead to physical addictions and it may be worse
than we originally thought. That being the case, we should want to help those
who are either casual users of pornography or those who are deeply entrenched
in an addiction to pornography to escape. The problem is we don’t look at it
this way; the current perception of pornography is still based on social
stigmas and paradigms when it should be based on truth: prophetic and
scientific. The Witherspoon Institution did a comprehensive study on the issue
of pornography employing professionals from many different areas of medical,
psychological, and social practices, they reported, “[O]ne clinician has
testified, ‘Those who claim pornography is harmless entertainment, benign
sexual expression, or a marital aid, have clearly never sat in at therapist’s
office with individuals, couples, or families who are reeling from the
devastating effects of this material’” (9).
This is the truth about pornography:
it is a harmful, toxic media which negatively impacts those who are involved
with it. A group of neurologists did a study focused on the reality of
pornography addiction and its effects on society; their observations:
“There
is a tendency to trivialize the possible social and biologic effects of
pornography. The sex industry has successfully characterized any objection to
pornography as being from the religious/moral perspective… If pornography
addiction is viewed objectively, evidence indicates that it does cause harm in
humans… The difficulty in objective peer-reviewed discussion of this topic is
again illustrated by the attempted suppression of this data on social grounds.
Just as we consider food addiction as having a biological basis, with no moral
overlay or value-laden terminology, it is time we looked at pornography and
other forms of sexual addiction with the same objective eye” (Hilton 3-4).
If
we are to change the stigmas attached to pornography we need to look at it in a
more logical light. Put aside the fear and just look at the facts. Until we do
this as a society and a church we will not have the success we desire in
combating pornography in the lives of our loved ones. “There is no fear in love;
but perfect love casteth
out fear: because fear hath torment.
He that feareth is not made perfect in love” (1 John 4:18).
It is time that we no longer fear
this issue of pornography, because it isn’t going anywhere, and we must learn
how to create a safe environment away from the fear and the excess of doom and
gloom. We believe that man may be made perfect through Christ. Men know that
pornography is bad: how can they not? The overwhelmingly large amount of talks
given by general authorities of the church and now the scientific evidence
shows us this. We don’t need any more sources telling men how disgusting
pornography is because, as members, we have been taught this—men of all ages
already know. Prophets do their jobs well.
So here’s the point: because
of the power young single adult women have to change the current negative
perception of pornography which prevents recovery, they should look to be more
understanding and supportive of young men who struggle with pornography to help
promote healing. You are not obligated to help someone overcome pornography. In
fact, you should beware taking any responsibility because, ultimately, it is
their battle. But on the same note, the effect that a young woman can have in
the lives of her peers, especially young men, is great. What most pornography
viewers of the church don’t believe is they are loved even with their problems.
What isn’t communicated from the general public of the church, especially the
women of the church, is that we accept them even though they have struggles
with viewing pornography. If a young woman reacts adversely to a confession
from her boyfriend or fiancé about his struggles, and this boy has told her
first and no one else, then that young man is less likely to fix his problems
and more likely to fall even further into his struggle with pornography.
Is it unfair to make this request of
women? Many of you—if not most of you—would say yes. I have spoken with many
young women about this issue; both relating my point of view and the
discussions have been enlightening. I understand your concerns; I really do. I
agree with them, but I still believe a paradigm shift is necessary for the good
of all those involved. Here’s the paradigm that I am proposing:
1. The
first key is the attitude of the pornography viewer. The first indicator of a
truly repentant and humble individual is if they confess their wrong doings to
those who may be hurt most by their problem. If they don’t confess and you discover
the problem on your own, by all means, you have the right to put as much
distance between you and them as fast as possible: but remember we seek to
treat others as we would like to be treated, so handle the situation with love.
2. Assuming
your boyfriend/significant other has confessed to you, take time to think about
it. Sister Linda S. Reeves said in April 2014 General Conference, while talking
about reacting to those who confide in us about problems with pornography
consumption, “We would be wise to not react with shock, anger, or rejection
which may cause them to be silent again.” Don’t answer immediately. You will be feeling
hurt, betrayed, and a host of other emotions which will lead you to possibly
say or do something which will cause harm to the other person. I know, this is
a serious case of turning the other cheek, but it is important for you to try
and do this to help create an environment of healing for the individual. Take
your time to fully internalize the situation and control your emotions. Being
calm when having this sensitive is important for both individuals.
3. Ask
him questions, such as: how long have you had this problem?; how often do you
look at it?; who else knows about this problem?; what are your plans to overcome
this trial? Remember: a positive attitude goes a long way when dealing with
habitual or addictive problems, always seek to be positive, loving and
encouraging.
4. Encourage
him and support him until he receives the support he needs. Remember the
balance between love and responsibility: you are not responsible for the
repentance of others, but you can be vital in rendering love and support to
help him heal. This may take a day or it could take weeks, but when considering
the eternal perspective it is truly short and could prove pivotal in the
salvation of the pornography viewer—it will be hard but you will benefit from
this experience as much as the other person. Encourage him to talk to parents,
leaders in the church (especially the bishop) and if the problem is serious
enough a professional therapist as soon as possible.
After they have received the help they
need and have encouraged and supported their seeking help, you are free to evaluate
and decide (assuming you choose to follow this paradigm—you obviously are free
to choose to react however you wish in these situations) whether or not you
wish to continue the relationship with the person or not. If you decide to break-off
a romantic relationship with him, that’s fine; just explain to him you need to
get on with your personal development in the gospel but you will be there as a
support if he needs you. If you decide to continue your relationship with him,
both should seek counseling and therapy to evaluate how to overcome the issue. Both
women who are dating men and women who are married to men who look at pornography
should consider these steps.
The
future will not be any easier for us as members of the Church to avoid
pornography. It is everywhere; by reading this paper, you may agree with me.
The new paradigm I’ve suggested is not perfect; but, it will be better for us
as members than the current one we have. It fosters uplifting qualities such as
hope, love, forgiveness and faith as opposed to fear, disdain and pain. Which,
is exactly what we need in our lives.
The one walking beside you.
