The Light at the End of the Tunnel : The New Anti-Porn Movement

   The truth about pornography is that it is a drug. No longer can we treat it as a just a risqué form of social media; it should be exposed for what it is. Many people have joined together to fight against this blight on society and have decided that we will no longer sit passively and watch as it destroys families and individuals. The following video was produced by a new organization, Fight the New Drug, and does a good job at revealing pornography for what it is. Watch it now:

"When we are born, we are given a world built on the decisions of previous generations. A world created by their choices: some good, some bad. Decisions are constantly made without the knowledge of how they will affect us, our society and our world." I love that line. This is something we would all do well to think about before we decide to make any big decisions in our lives. How will this change my life? How will this change my family? How will this change my community?
   As pointed out in this video, in 1948 Dr. Alfred Kinsey published his book: Sexual Behavior in the Human Male where he postulated that all sexual urges should be pursued. Now, I will give this man the benefit of the doubt in saying that human sexuality was not as prevalent on the market as it is now; yet as a biologist and a scientist he should have known among the many different traits that set us apart from animals one of them is self-control. In the 66 years since the publication of Kinsey's first book many new discoveries about human sexuality and the adverse effects of reckless sexual activity. People who engage in "high risk activities" such as prostitution, use of heroin, homosexual activities, or sexual promiscuity are at large more vulnerable to contract life ending diseases such as AIDS/HIV.
   The "sexual revolution" of the 60s and 70s was brought about largely because of the publication of Kinsey's books. Part of this "revolution" (or as I would call it rebellion against morality) was the publication of pornography. Just as cocaine, heroin, and tobacco we at first thought to be harmless or even helpful, pornography became normal and was thought to be a social or moral debate rather than a medical or scientific debate. But just as medical research revealed the truth about tobacco and cocaine, pornography has been exposed by medical research to cause similar effects on the brain as cocaine and heroin. No longer can we look at pornography in the same light, we need to look at it as the drug it is rather than a "gentleman's pursuit".
   "Porn is like a drug: it can rewire the brain, form addictions, alter views about sex, objectify the human body, fuel the demands for sex slavery, and reshape society as a whole." The reality is with the sexual liberation movement of the sixties and seventies, our society has become more promiscuous, more animalistic as opposed to being refined and moral. There have been no good things that have come from pornography or this modern society based on "free love". It has only destroyed the family and led us further away from developing real, meaningful relationships with other people. Men and women are now seen as objects for our sexual pleasure, rather than people from whom we can learn and grow. "Pornography is often violent and abusive, a degrading lie that distorts the very meaning of healthy relationships and love." Pornography sets unrealistic sexual expectations for its users and ultimately destroys the self-respect and beauty in a healthy relationship. It is as detrimental to our health as any other drug.
   Organizations like Fight the New Drug are dedicated to reverse the adverse effects on society of actions taken by individuals more than 60 years ago. We do not have to define ourselves by the decisions of previous generations. We have the power to support those who are addicted and fight to eradicate the use of this new drug among society.

With love,

Will Glade

The one walking beside you.

The Light at the End of the Tunnel : A Paradox

The biggest paradox about pornography is you. Yes, you. If you take the time to dive in to the mind of any addict you will find a war raging. There are ups and downs bigger than the X2 at Magic Mountain. There is no where to hide from the enemy when it’s right inside your own head. You hate yourself for what you do, yet you love doing it. You crave it. How does someone wage a war against themselves? How do you overcome your enemy when you are the enemy?

The duality of addiction is the biggest paradox with regards to pornography. It is almost as if there are two of you within one body. One that screams in pain and another that shouts for joy. You would think it impossible for both to exist in the same instance in the same being, but they do. It is probably the biggest struggle associated with pornography addiction.  “Dual-personalities” exists until the individual gives up the fight entirely or becomes so fed up with it that they overcome the addiction.

Living like this can only exist for so long before we are compelled to make the decision.  Unfortunately too many lose the battle. I dare say that rapists, pedophiles, and sex traffickers probably didn't think their “casual” watching of pornography would have led them to make the terrible decisions they made. Nobody plans on becoming an addict. Nobody.

There is a light at the end of this dark tunnel. Thanks to our ability to choose, we can always decide we are going to change before it is too late.  We can give up the fight and give into the addiction or we can push back and let the light enter back into our lives. Vulgar thoughts lead to vulgar words. Vulgar words lead to vulgar actions. As we act on the vulgar and foul things we see, we chase away all that is good and virtuous in our lives. That virtue can be rekindled with much effort and can reignite the flame within us that leads us to the good in life. We are never too far lost to return to the light and shed ourselves of addictions.

Life is too beautiful to live in a dark hole; we need the light to live. Keep fighting, there is always hope. We are here to help.

Love,

Will Glade

The one walking beside you.

The Law of Gravity

Lately life has been teaching me a lot of lessons.  With new beginnings come new challenges. I’ve had some insight on what I will call the spiritual law of gravity. It’s my belief that all physical laws of nature have a spiritual side to them. Whether it is Newton’s laws of motion or the law of conservation of mass, all of these physical laws have deeper implications on our lives than just governing space.

http://www.scienceofrelationships.com/home/2012/11/20/a-careful-balance-of-care.html

For the last couple of years I have been fascinated with the law of gravity and its implications on human nature. The ability that some individuals had to “draw” others near to them impressed me. I always wondered what made it so that these individuals were able to attract the support of others with seemingly no effort. There are a lot of different aspects that go into this idea, but that’s not what I would like to focus on today.

I’d rather focus on the law of gravity as far as our relationships with others are concerned. In nature there are certain substances that have an affinity for one another and others that seem to repel each other in opposite fashion. When talking about relationships, everyone has heard about having “chemistry”. Apart from romantic relationships, every human relationship that we form has some sort of chemistry or attraction involved; this is the law of gravity.

We as humans tend to surround ourselves with people who are like ourselves. We form naturally these relationships through common interests, hobbies or ideals. It’s natural. Who doesn’t want to spend time with those who share something in common with them? In a book, the War of Art, it was explained this way: people can be divided into two groups, hierarchical or territorial. When we think of the social ladder we are thinking in a hierarchical manner; everything has its own place in society. This ladder is built by the law of gravity, although I’d like to think of it more as a social network for our purposes here.

Our worlds are constantly revolving around different things and different people. It can depend on what is going on in our lives at the time but for the most part we like to keep everything orderly and in place as far as our lives are concerned. When life is going well, we like to maintain the balance and continue doing exactly what we are doing in order to not upset the harmony we have achieved. Because we have this natural tendency to focus our attention on certain things in life, we create mini “solar systems” which keep our lives revolving in a uniform fashion. The center star I would define as the one thing that drives us in life: God, family, work, etc. Everything in our lives ultimately revolves around that one thing. All of the other things are appendages, or in the solar system model planets, moons, comets etc.

http://news.nationalgeographic.com/news/2009/07/images/090710-galaxy-collision-quintet-picture_big.jpg

Now this model would be nice and simple if it weren’t for the fact that each one of us has our own solar system and these are impossible to keep from interacting with one another. The hierarchal society is the way that we cope with this interaction; each individual has a natural desire to minimize the effect that others have on their lives, in other words we like to find our niche where we belong.

Now, at times we will find people that vibrate at our same frequency. We find them “attractive” in some way and we feel drawn to them. This is chemistry. When electrons have the same frequency, they form bonds; we are the same way. These bonds take many different forms, some are stronger than others but all bonds are made to bring more stability and strength to our lives. And like electrons that are on different frequencies we can also repel one another. This doesn’t mean that we don’t like the person or that we rather eat a bag of dirt than spend time with them, rather it just means that we don’t coincide with one another. We are on different frequencies. We have a different focus in the center of our lives that don’t allow us to “gravitate” towards one another. And that is ok. It is just the way of the universe.

With love,

Will Glade

The one walking beside you.

p.s. Here is a shout out to #highfrequency: Ryan Faber, Cameron Taylor, Mark Lahtinen, and Jason Damm

The Light at the End of the Tunnel : The Truth about Pornography

An Introduction

There is a lot of misconception out there about pornography and addiction. With the immense quantity of information out there on the internet, at times it can seem very daunting or even impossible to come to a clear understanding on the reality of addictions to pornography. The following blog post will not be written in my usual style. To illustrate how much information is out there and the confusion one can feel on this subject, I decided to write this post as a lyrical essay. As you read I would really like for you to think about how these different issues that I am about to address relate to one another; along those lines I want you to think about how you feel while reading about this issue. Once again, thanks for reading! (Be sure to read part 1 and part 2 as well!)

#hashtagnation

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A Cry for Help

“I, as most on these postings, have struggled with porn addiction. I am fighting hard to beat it but as has been mentioned, the images don't leave the mind. I had gotten carried away with my addiction and my wife confronted me since I was hiding it in humiliation. I excused as lowering my libido or making sure I still ‘had it’. I promised to stop. I did for several months. I slipped up with just pic gazing, not even porn. My wife saw my phone history. It's hurt her all over again. Why does this have such control. I looked up to see if it was a disease and it had a cure. It's humiliating. I stumbled on to this and have read so many posts. I want to beat this. I love my wife. I didn't see it as hurting her but it does. It's habit. But is it more? That same conversation months ago brought up me sneaking smokes. I wasn't a smoker but I was. I smoked maybe a pack a month. I always said it was like cigars but it was smoking period. I've not touched a cigarette in over 3 months. Why can I best that addiction but slip on this one. Is it the chemical reaction I crave? When I was a teenager in the 80's it was the sears catalog. Then Victoria's Secret. Then playboy on on up to internet. It's tearing me apart. There's so many differing opinions. I just wanted to post being that I'm trying to conquer this ‘disease’.” –Serendip Visitor-

“I AM REALLY FEARFUL FOR MY DAUGHTERS LIFE,,,,SHE MEANT A MAN 20 YRS OLDER. WHO HAS BEEN IN PRISON AND IS A HORRIBLE MAN.. MY DAUGHTER TURNED 18 LAST FEB. THE PORN SHE IS DOING IS VERY SICK AND ABUSIVE.. VERY SICK AND SHE LOOKS VERY HIGH.THE PICTURE ARE A SLIDESHOW IN MY HEAD. PICTURES OF HER BEFORE SHE MEANT THIS MAN IS NOTHING LIKE WHAT SHE LOOKS LIKE NOW ...SHE TALKS TO NOON I DON'T FEEL SHE IS SAFE AT ALL. THE LAST THING I WANT TO HEAR IS SHE IS 18 AND CAN DO WHAT SHE WANTS, I SO SICK OVER THIS AND DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO.. PLZ HELP” –plz help-

“I am worried about my son and think he might have an addiction to pornography. I have caught him looking at it on the computer more than once and have recently found it on a cell phone browser history and my 4 year old did. How do I address this and get him help? He has an ‘I don't care’ attitude when I try to talk to him about it. Please help as he is my oldest of 6.” –sunshine-

“I'm a 26 year old female and have been struggling with lust and porn since I can remember. I can completely relate with feeling alone as society sees this issue as mainly a male problem. Up until a year ago I felt completely alone because I thought I was so broken and beyond help being a woman and addicted to porn. Now, I still struggle and honestly it currently seems to be getting worse...I know God loves me and is there but I feel like I need to take extreme measures to stop. I'm worried that its really going to do damage to my relationship with my boyfriend that I've been with for over 3 years now. Help?” -Serendip Visitor-

These are four very different examples of thousands of people who have been negatively impacted by pornography in their lives. I took these comments from a blog addressing the addiction of pornography (http://serendip.brynmawr.edu/exchange/node/345). What you see is exactly what I saw when I first read them. Their inaudible cries, and others like theirs, are found all over the internet these days. Worried mothers, addicted men, addicted women, children, and the indifferent are all affected by this issue.

Will we listen to these cries for help, or will we continue to ignore them and sweep them under the rug?

From the Eyes into the Mind

ad·dic·tion

 noun \ə-ˈdik-shən, a-\

: a strong and harmful need to regularly have something (such as a drug) or do something (such as gamble)

People who suffer from addictions have physical cravings for something. Their brains physically need that substance or they are compelled to do something. To be able to understand this, one must detach themselves from their own experiences and take on the mindset of the addicted. Think about trying to fight your own self? How can you wage a war not only against your own thoughts, but the physical or chemical makeup of your body? I mean, we all have negative thoughts about ourselves, whether it be: “I’m too fat”, “I’m not good enough to do that”, or “I’ll look like a fool” we all have them. But can you imagine if those thoughts also were physically driving us to do something that we really don’t want to do? It is something to think about when addressing the subject of addictions.

Yet Another Misconception

When you hear the word pornography, what do you think about? What are the first words that come to your mind? I know what my first thoughts are, and I bet that I could guess what your first thoughts are as well. I’m here to say that our first impressions about this subject are wrong. Ninety nine percent of the population, I’d say, has false notions about what pornography does and how it affects those who look at it on a regular basis. Most people just think that it is something that men look at because they want to be sexually aroused, or because they are disgusting pigs. Might I suggest that this is wrong? Yes, pornography is gross and a sick, twisted imitation of love, but there is more to why men are drawn to it.

Those who begin to look at porn are not pigs, rather the porn is what changes them, distorts who they are, 

and turns them into pigs. Just because someone somewhere down the line makes a poor decision, that does not give us the right to predetermine who they are and whether they are good people or not. I in no way, shape, or form condone the usage of porn. Those who know me well know how strongly I oppose pornography. I do however support those who are seeking help to overcome an addiction to pornography. Just as we would not ever turn a blind eye to someone who seeks to overcome an addiction to alcohol or strong drugs, we should never judge or disregard someone who is looking to overcome an addiction to pornography.

Living a Double Life

This is an account from a young man who has struggled with pornography for almost all his life.

“I was six years old the first time I saw it. I was down in Cabo San Lucas Mexico, before it was heavily commercialized. I was looking at post cards on a spinning rack when I stumbled on a post card with blatant nudity, I didn’t know what to do with it. I couldn’t resist it, instantly I was absorbed and I lost control of my thoughts. I don’t know how it was possible to lose my innocence at such a young age, but I did. That day marked the beginning of a life long struggle. I thought about that moment often throughout my childhood, just thinking back about the postcard that was burned into my brain. However it wasn’t until I was twelve that things really began to escalate. I was at one of my best friend’s house having a sleep over. It was late and he began to flip through a magazine on photography before bed, he then asked me “Hey do you know what this is?” I looked at the picture for a couple of seconds then I realized I was looking at. “A woman’s breasts” I responded, and then he said “Yeah, check this out.” He then pulled out a book on photography and opened to multiple pages on a topic called “exposure.” The whole chapter was filled with pictures of naked women. I just kept looking, my mind was screaming out to stop but I felt helpless to stop. After I felt awful inside; I didn’t want to insult my friend, and I was afraid to tell my parents because I didn’t want them to get mad at me. So I hide the experience, I let it fester inside of me. Ever since that night I have been fighting an addiction to pornography. It has been a long hard war, and I have lost most of the battles against my addiction. It always has a way of crushing my will and breaking down my defenses. Every time I succumbed, I fell deeper into self-loathing, and self-destruction. I just wanted to give up and kill myself. It seemed like suicide was the only way out of this cycle of pornography and depression. I drove up to the top of a mountain where I was looking out over a cliff, all I would have to do was accelerate and this whole cycle would end with a long drop and short stop. I couldn’t do it, instead I began to weep and pray. I prayed for freedom, forgiveness and healing. I prayed for help and the strength to change. After that I decided to tell two of my trusted friends that I needed help. For the first time in my life I told Jesus and my friends that I was an addict and I needed their help. I sought psychological help and got medication so I didn’t want to kill myself anymore. Even with those aids, I still continued to fall. The problem was that I was still trying to fight this battle on my own. I decided to go to recovery meetings, in the meetings I found many other men who are fighting the same war. There is support, there is hope, but the first step is opening up. I know that I can win this war because I have Jesus and my brothers-in-recovery to fight alongside.”

Many viewers of pornography feel as though they are leading a double life, especially those with religious convictions. They feel depressed. They feel alone. They are tired of fighting a losing battle against themselves. Try and imagine living day in and day out hating who you are because you have an addiction to something. Does that seem easy?

There are many “closet users” of pornography who would scream for help if they did not fear what society will think of them. Because porn is such a taboo topic and something highly looked down upon in our predominantly Christian society, there are those who suffer in silence out of fear. If there wasn’t this overarching negative connotation that society associates with porn users, rather than the pornography itself, we would see less fear and more people seeking to overcome this addiction.

The Truth about Porn Addiction

This Is Your Brain on Porn: Pornography Addiction and the Brain

"Many of my drug using, sex crazed friends have said at least once that having an orgasm and doing a line of cocaine create the same feelings within the brain.

"When an addict looks at porn, testosterone, dopamine, oxytocin, and serotonin are released, creating what Dr. Judith Reisman refers to as an 'erototoxin'. The chemical change, which causes the person engaging in the act to have a temporary feeling of euphoria, becomes a necessity for the person to function. Like any other type of addict, porn addicts become trapped within their disorder, and the difference between casually watching pornography and being an addict hinges on the chemical makeup of the brain.

"Another issue of an addiction to porn is that while, with most drugs, it is possible to work all of the chemical out of the body after a certain amount of time, a pornographic image will stay in the memory as long as the memory exists. In a far more extreme interview, Dr. Judith Reisman stated, '[Pornography] could be more addictive than crack cocaine because cocaine can be excreted from the body. Pornographic images cannot. They remain, structurally and neurochemically, with a person forever'".

Does Porn Contribute to ED?

"Specifically, overstimulation brought on by viewing pornography can produce neurological changes—specifically, decreasing sensitivity to the pleasure seeking neurotransmitter dopamine—which can desensitize a person to actual sexual encounters with a partner.  These neurochemical changes not only contribute to a person becoming 'addicted' to pornography but they can also make it incredibly difficult to abstain from viewing pornography entirely."

9 Things You Should Know about Pornography and the Brain

"In men, there are five primary chemicals involved in sexual arousal and response. The one that likely plays the most significant role in pornography addiction is dopamine. Dopamine plays a major role in the brain system that is responsible for reward-driven learning. Every type of reward that has been studied increases the level of dopamine transmission in the brain, and a variety of addictive drugs, including stimulants such as cocaine, amphetamine, and methamphetamine, act directly on the dopamine system. Dopamine surges when a person is exposed to novel stimuli, particularly if it is sexual, or when a stimuli is more arousing than anticipated. Because erotic imagery triggers more dopamine than sex with a familiar partner, exposure to pornography leads to 'arousal addiction' and teaches the brain to prefer the image and become less satisfied with real-life sexual partners.

What makes Internet porn unique? Wilson identifies a number of reasons, including: (1) Internet porn offers extreme novelty; (2) Unlike food and drugs, there are almost no physical limitations to Internet porn consumption; (3) With Internet porn one can escalate both with more novel 'partners' and by viewing new and unusual genres; (4) Unlike drugs and food, Internet porn doesn't eventually activate the brain's natural aversion system; and (5) The age users start watching porn. A teen's brain is at its peak of dopamine production and neuroplasticity, making it highly vulnerable to addiction and rewiring."

As you can tell, there are a lot of new studies showing that pornography has a much stronger physiological effect than was supposed in the past. These are just a few of many studies that researchers are conducting to find out what the true effects of pornography are. Pornography can no longer be viewed as a social media; rather we need to treat it as a drug. That's what it is. All of the new studies show that it has a potent effect on our brain's physical make up as well as its chemical balance. For far too long we have been treating this problem as a “personal problem” rather than the drug addiction that it is. 

The Reality of the Problem

As you can see, there is a major problem on our hands. Pornography is a taboo topic among “respectable circles” but should it be? I personally think that we have been keeping this “dirty little secret” for far too long. There are so many people who are affected by this issue; we need to begin taking it more seriously as a society. Not only are the addicted struggling to find help that they need to overcome the addiction, but families are being torn apart by pornography. There is a negative connotation associated with this topic, and in order to begin helping those in need we have to change the way we look at pornography. We can no longer think of it as psychological problem, or just something that all guys do. Pornography is a drug; it should be treated as such. If we can begin to change the view we have of it, the sooner we will be able to rescue those who are in bondage to it.

It’s Time to Clean out the Closet

Here’s what I am proposing: as a community we need to change how we view pornography. We can’t shy away from having those uncomfortable conversations. Because with time, not only will they become more open and comfortable, they will also become much more productive. As long as we continue to hide from this issue to remain in our “comfort zone”, we will continue to see people’s lives destroyed and ruined. We will see families torn apart by this plague that is so prevalent in our society. We will continue to see people take their lives because they felt alone and unable to overcome their addictions. That is where we are at today; but we can change our future.

What has to happen right now is: we need to open our mouths and be vocal in our support of those individuals who are in bondage. We need to talk with our families, among our friends, and in our communities about the reality of this new drug that has flooded our communities and homes. Unless we are able to bring this issue out into the public arena we will be unable to overcome its devastating influence and society will suffer as a whole. Do it for your family and friends. Do it for those who are waging the silent war against themselves; let them know that they’re not alone. Let them know that there is someone walking beside them.

With love,

Will Glade

The one walking beside you.

*if you have any comments, concerns, or wish to talk contact me here.

The Box : A Word on Self - Deception

Lately I’ve been really busy with school, friends, family, and life in general.  Hence a little neglect on my part as far as updating my blog goes. Fortunately for me, this last week has been filled to the brim with moments that have inspired and lead me to formally recognize a lot of truths that I had already known.  The gears in my mind have been spinning at full speed. While I was thinking about these truths, many people asked me whether not I was ok; a pensive mind gives off that vibe I suppose. It’s slightly comical to see people’s reactions when I get into these “grooves”.

Anyways back to the inspiration. I would like to talk about a couple of different books I have read over the course of this week. In this post I would like to mention some of the ideas found in Leadership and Self-Deception: Getting Outside the Box by the Arbinger Group. This post will be the foundation for a new series that I’m going to write. The series of posts will tie all of these things that I have learned together and establish what I might call “my life philosophy”. These different insights have changed the way I think about people, and I hope that as I share them with you the may do the same.  So without further adieu, let me explain the box.

Imagine that every person has an imaginary box around them. This box is around us. It may differ from person to person. Or in other words, for each individual we come in contact with, we have a distinct and individual box for them around us. We all have them.  We’ll put a label on this box: self-deception.

Now, before I go on any further trying to explain what the box is exactly, I’d like to give some common examples of how we interact with others so I can clearly explain the box to you. I want you to think of two people. First, think of someone who you just can’t seem to get along with, someone who just seems to be able to push every button you have. Someone who you find critical, obnoxious, spiteful, or just irksome (it can be a co-worker, your boss, a neighbor, or maybe a student… whoever).

Now, that you have this person in mind, think of someone with whom you get along really well. Someone who if they asked you a favor, you would bend over backwards to help them out. Great. Now that you have both individuals identified, what makes the one more appealing to be around than the other? Why is one of them a source of frustration and the other an esteemed hero? Both of these people are living, breathing individuals who go about their daily lives in a way that might not be all that different from one another. Yet, 

for some reason we have disdain towards the one and admiration towards the other…

From one we gladly receive correction and advice; the other we find critical and disregard everything they try to tell us. They may even give us the same criticism in the same manner, yet we will only listen to one. The other will probably just lead us to continue what we are doing, either in retaliation against them or to spite them.

Let me see if I can shed some light on “why” this predicament exists. This may help us to change how we fundamentally see others, how we treat them, and our attitudes towards them. All of us have an innate ability to sense when someone is being genuine with us or whether they are just blowing smoke. Just think about it; we can tell what people are thinking, or how they fill about us more from their body language than the actual words that they say. This concept of how we view other people is at the very core of this issue. When we know that someone truly cares for us and our well-being, we will take their criticism, bend over backwards to help them, or do anything to maintain their trust. All because we know that they see us as people. They see us for who we are: a living being with our own feelings, needs, and wants not objects or a means to an end for themselves.  

So, in short, those who see us as people become our friends and closest allies, while those who see us as objects or a means to an end become our enemies and rivals.

This idea is the vision and foundation upon which this philosophy is based. Do we see people as objects or as human beings? Ask yourself, while walking down the street or while driving in your car, do you see the people for what they are or rather objects impeding you from achieving your goals?

Now that we have established this base, let’s move on to what the Arbinger Group calls self-betrayal.  For the purpose of this post, I will call it self-betrayal, but personally I would give it a different name: the Light of Christ. (For those of you who are Christians, or even more specifically Mormons, I may have just thrown you through a loop but continue reading and then after I explain, watch this link and it should all make sense.)

To define self-betrayal, let’s think of another universal example to illustrate what it is exactly. There is moment in time when each of us have a thought or a feeling come to us to do something for another person, for an example let’s say do the dishes for your roommates. Now when this happens we have two choices: one, act on it and do the dishes for them or two, remain motionless and do nothing.  Each yields an important consequence to how we view those whom the feeling or thought involved.

First we are going to address what happens when we act contrary to that feeling.  As we sit there we begin to think things like: well, they should really do their dishes… they are so lazy. Or maybe we begin to think that they are inconsiderate and self-centered, while we are always doing things for them. They should be doing our dishes because we are such good roommates. They suddenly begin to become the messiest, sloppiest, and dirtiest people upon the face of the planet, while we are the cleanest, tidiest, and most organized people alive. You see what just happened? We just entered into the box towards our roommates. 

Remember the box is self-deception; we begin to inflate their faults while our virtues suddenly seem much larger than they really are. Our vision is skewed.

The act of not doing what we felt we should do for them is what the books calls self-betrayal, or in other words we betray our own intuition (or the Light of Christ as I would call it) and it leads us into the box of self-deception and our vision is skewed. If we continue to act contrary to our intuition eventually we will end up in a box so thick that the reality is we won’t even recognize that we are in it. Those people cease to be people to us and they suddenly become objects in our way to success. This causes rifts in relationships, gaps in friendships, and fissures in the work place. We begin to focus solely on ourselves rather than on other people.

Now if we decide to act upon those feelings we get from our intuition, we will be “out-of-the-box” towards those people. We see them as people: imperfect and preoccupied, yet important and friendly. We truly consider their needs along with our needs rather than objects obstructing our own success. Their success in life becomes just as, if not more important than our own. We are able to co-exist in harmony and peace, rather than discord and frustration.

That is the difference between those two people you identified earlier, one you are in the box towards, and the other you are out of the box towards. When we are in the box we will always look for ways to justify our own actions, while placing the blame on the other person for being unbearable and unreachable.  Now if you begin to think or justify saying, “But that person really is unbearable and rude…” just think about what I’ve said, I promise you that it is us rather than them. I am not saying, however that we are always to blame, rather that we should take a hard look inwards before we assign blame to someone.

We need to try and change. When we come to this realization we immediately leave the box and can change our perspective of them and help them to change as well. While being in the box, we invite others to be in the box towards us because they are able to pick up on our feelings towards them via body language and other things, thus making it a perpetual problem that never is solved until we are able to change how we see them.

Reading this book has led me to do a self-evaluation, and I have a lot of changing to do. There are a lot of people who I saw as objects, but now I realize that I need to change. I need to leave the box. So I have decided to change, and will I be perfect at this? Obviously not, but I will be willing to make up for my mistakes, apologize when necessary and take responsibility for my own faults and wrong behaviors rather than point a finger and blame another.

If we can all just change how we see one another I know that this world would be extremely different. We would all be more willing to help one another out and change other people’s lives.  That’s my hope and wish, and I know its Gods hope and wish as well.

As always,

With love,

Will Glade

The one walking beside you.

The Light at the End of the Tunnel : An Account

Pornography: the silent struggle. It is an issue that more often than not gets over looked and swept under the rug. This week I want to relate a story of a person I know. This story is her personal account of what happened to her and her family because of pornography. This is just one of many, many similar stories. Here is her account:

                He was a great guy. There was no way I could have known what kind of problems he had. He was a football captain, involved in his high school choir, had a 4.0 gpa, was going to BYU, eagle scout, and a returned missionary. He was a very kind, gentle person who loved his family, and they loved him. There were some red flags that I saw, but at the time I didn’t really pay attention to them. It wasn’t until after we were married that I found out. One day I stumbled upon a magazine. This was the time before the internet or cell phones and the easy access to pornography. One had to go looking to find it; he had to go looking to find it. I grew up in a house of girls, my father was a member of the stake presidency so I had no contact with that kind of stuff growing up; it was a strong experience. When I confronted him about it, he shrugged it off saying that all men do it; “it’s normal” he said.

                If I could go back and change one thing now, I would change how we approached it. We kept it secret. We told his parents, we saw some counselors, although I don’t think my parents even knew about it… If I could, I would announce it from the roof tops now; I would have let everyone know that we had a problem.

                Over time it got progressively worse… I would find stashes of magazines, calendars and cut out pictures all over the place: in the closet, under the carpet. Everywhere. I remember going out to the shed one time and it was like these images would float down from the ceiling. Some of them even dated back to the time of his mission. We talked about it, we visited counselors, we did everything; yet nothing seemed to work. Finally we went to the Bishop, he sent us to a counselor. The counselor was basically teaching us about the principles of the gospel of Jesus Christ, stuff we would learn in Sunday school. And I kept waiting for him to talk about the actual issue, about pornography, but he never did. He had periods of time when he was clean, when he was good. You can see it in the pictures, you could see the difference in his face, in his eyes, when he was good and when he was doing bad.

                I remember a time when I felt impressed to go up into the attic. I knew there was something up there. So I went up and sure enough there was a hole that he had dug out and it was filled with pornography. We gathered it all up and took it all to the dump, and he wept the whole way. He wept. You know how that felt? I felt like he was cheating on me. Women feel violated every single time their husband looks at it. You feel as though they are having an affair each and every time.

                Towards the end it started to get really bad. He was hollow inside. It just destroyed him from the inside out. I remember a time where we had an appointment with the therapist, and I had arrived early and he came barging in, angry. In the end he was just always angry; he didn’t care about his family any more. He even told the therapist that he didn’t care what his family did, he had chosen pornography over them.

                It wasn’t long after that when he came to me and told me he was having an affair. He left our family. My youngest son, who was two at the time, tells me that he still remembers the day that his father left the family. Vividly. He said he could even draw the grill of the car if he had to. Will, he was a good man but it ruined him. He began to break in and steal things from the house. My family was always in fear of what ‘Dad’ might do next. It got so bad that I had to get a restraining order. He was trying to become violent. I remember seeing in his truck one time a book entitled: Violence and the Demonic man. This was a man, who when I met him was gentle and kind, who now was reading books trying to become violent. Pornography did that to him. So with all the reasons and evidences that I had against him, I went with my mom to the judge to get the paper signed. I was worried that he might not sign it because I didn’t have a lot against him. But when the papers had come back, the judge had signed it as a protection order, which is a step higher than the restraining order.

              Eventually, when we were able to use that to get him to sign the divorce papers… Fourteen years I fought this battle with him. In the end it robbed him of everything.

This isn’t the only story like this. There are hundreds and thousands of stories similar to this that go untold.  I am grateful she was willing to share it with us. Women like her are heroes, and I respect them a lot.

The more I think about this topic, the more I decide that the way we treat pornography addicts is fundamentally wrong. It’s not just something that you “get over” and move on from. Pornography is a drug; therefore we need to treat it as such. We cannot keep thinking the same way we have thought about it if we want to begin to help those caught in its snare. Just as cocaine and heroin are highly addictive, so is pornography. It has the same effects on the brain chemically as any of the illegal or hardcore drugs do.

Next week, I will be writing specifically about what pornography does to the brain physically. We need to make a change. We need to begin to see pornography for what it is: a drug, not just something “boys” do.

Pornography ruins families. Let’s make a move to stop it dead in its tracks.

With love,

Will Glade

The one walking beside you.

Life Is Beautiful

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Life is beautiful. Everything in nature has a beautiful simplicity that causes me to be amazed and inspired. I love walking in nature; it gives me a sense of closeness with life. I feel the peace that comes from just being outside of oneself and all of the busy things that come with living. It puts a lot of things in perspective for me, after all what are my problems in comparison to the immensity of the world. Then you gaze up at the starry night, and you just feel even smaller. My mind cannot even begin to comprehend the vast void that is the universe. I mean, how can it? How can you capture something infinite and put it in a finite space? It is impossible. Just thinking about it now fills me with awe and a feeling that I can’t quite explain. It’s almost a feeling of being completely overwhelmed with a feeling of insignificance in comparison to it all.

Yet we are everything.

Mankind is one the most miraculous forms of life here on Earth. We are among the most (if not the most) complicated beings on this planet. It’s beautiful.  If one studies the intricacies of our biology, you cannot help but wonder how all of these things came to be. Now, if you look beyond the biology to psychology, sociology, or anthropology you will quickly realize the complexity of not only our physical nature, but our “human” nature as well. Just think and reflect on all of the different nuances of our lives and our society. It is truly amazing.

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What makes man, man? This question can spur a wide variety of different answers, all of which may be true. But might I suggest that there is something more to us than just long carbon chains and nucleotides? Or that there is more behind our minds than the chemical processes that take place between neurons in our nervous system? I truly believe that behind all the science and physical aspects of life (human and general), there is a spiritual aspect to it all.

Let me propose an example to illustrate my position: have you ever been to a funeral of someone who has recently passed away? If you haven’t, let me explain to you a little of what I have perceived and seen, and I would expect everyone who has also been to one would be able to agree with me on this. Try and picture this scene if you can: you walk in, and there is the casket of the deceased. You walk over to the side of it and look down. Now, if you’re close to the deceased you might think, “That is not the person that I knew…” Yes, it is the same body of the person that you loved and associated with, but it is not them. That lifeless mass that is sitting there is not the person you once loved.

If you were not particularly close to the person, you might see them, pay your respects to the family, but when all is said and done the person frankly doesn’t seem real. The body almost appears to be made of wax as if it was just a piece of art; yet that person only days earlier were living, breathing, intelligent beings that could choose and act for themselves. What is the difference then between then and now? As I stated earlier, I believe that it is our spirit.

This is my point: regardless of the beauty and intricacies of life here on earth, biology is not what determines life. We determine who we are. We are the ones who have control whether or not something happens in our lives. We have the choice to let our disabilities and weaknesses define who we are and what we can do, or in contrast let our strengths and talents shine and influence the world for good. We are more than just a bunch of carbon and hydrogen smashed together.

Whether you are a believer in Evolution or Intelligent Design I think that my following argument will have some sort of validity for you. If we are all to live and die in this life and depending on your beliefs, whether it is to cease to exist, to pass to a new facet of existence through resurrection or reincarnation, or to continue on to some other “afterlife” journey that others may believe, if we are all to live and die, ultimately leaving our bodies to crumble and decay, then why do we define ourselves so much by our physical bodies or aspects that will ultimately just break down and decay into dust? Why should we not judge another by the content of his character rather than the color of their skin? Why don’t we show we believe that all men are created equally, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable rights, rather than just say that we do?

In the words of my good friends, the Black-Eyed Peas: “But if you only have love for your own race then you only leave space to discriminate. And to discriminate only generates hate and when you hate then you're bound to get irate. Yeah madness is what you demonstrate and that's exactly how anger works and operates. Man, you gotta have love just to set it straight, take control of your mind and meditate, let your soul gravitate to the love…” It is so simple: we can choose to love regardless of what others may do, or we can choose to define another and hate them because of what they do wrong instead of seeing what they do right.

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In the last six months I cannot tell you how many people I have met who are truly amazing, gifted people. They have decided that it is time for them to take control of their lives rather than let the masses decide who they are for them. When life tries to tell you: no, do you let it, or do you push forward with determination, striving to achieve your goal? These people that I have met have inspired me so much in the last six months to be a better me regardless of who others try and tell me to be. It is a decision, and frankly I have decided not to give in to my weaknesses and I have overcome many of them with only the help of God and my determination.  Many may lead and inspire, but only we can choose to follow.

If we so choose, we can change this world for the better. If we so choose, we can love rather than hate; we can support and uplift instead of belittle and tear down. If we so choose, we can fall down to never rise again or we can pick ourselves up, brush off our knees and elbows and continue on the path towards success. To be successful is a choice; to be a failure is simply to quit trying.

So I dedicate this to all of those who have fallen, but have risen up and denied failure its victory. I dedicate this to those who have fallen but still haven’t mustered the strength needed to rise up; don’t worry it will come. I dedicate this to all of those standing who take a moment to lend a lifting hand to the fallen and the desperate. It isn’t the failure that defines our character, rather what we choose to do after having failed.

Today is the day to change. Now, is our time to redefine who we are and for what we stand.

What will you choose?

With Love,

Will Glade

The one walking beside you.